Telling The Kids

One of the dilemmas we faced after the Chiari diagnosis and scheduling a date for the surgery was how much to tell the kids.  We’ve always tried to be honest with our kids about life’s ups and downs.   When one of our animals has to be put down we don’t tell them that their pet has gone to a farm to live.  They know that the pigs at their grandparent’s house are going to end up in our freezer.  The one time we tried to sugarcoat the sudden disappearance of the pigs by telling them that they went to Frosty Acres to live we got busted when we picked up the meat at the butcher shop.  As I was loading the truck I heard the following from the back seat “hey this is Frosty Acres”.

Of course telling them that dad needed brain surgery was different, we didn’t want to scare them or make them feel uneasy so we had to come up with a way to tell them without getting into too much detail.  As usual Joyce came through with a great explanation.  She told them that daddy was getting a Christmas gift from the doctor, and that gift was that his headaches would be going away.

We were all happy with this explanation and the kids didn’t ask too many questions, time to add a smiley face to our good parenting column.  Of course the state of bliss didn’t last long.  I tend to forget that the kids hear everything, they may not comment on it right away but they process it then remind you what you said; usually when you least expect it.  I was on the phone with my brother and he asked about the surgery so I told him the surgeon would be “cracking my head open”. Oops!  Neither of them said anything but they both had that “what did he just say” look.   Next a blog reader got me, I was with our daughter when we saw someone out and about in town and he asked me when the surgery was going to happen…oh no! Again nothing was said, but you could see her processing it and formulating questions.  Remember the word ‘surgery’ was never used in our explanation to the kids.  The result of these incidents was my daughter telling everyone that her father’s doctor was “going to give him a new brain”.  We explained to her that I was keeping my brain, and that the doctor was just going to make more room for the brain I already have.  She must have been happy with that explanation because that’s what she told her friends.  How do I know she told her friends?  It’s very simple; one of her friends asked me how they were going to make more room for my brain in my head.  I had to think fast since this wasn’t my kid asking the question, the best I could come up with was “I don’t know, they just are”, wow now that’s an answer that deserves a facepalm. 

Our daughter will take everything in and then at some point in the future ask questions about whatever it is that concerns her, once she gets an answer she moves on.  Our son on the other hand, he takes everything in and then dwells on it because he won’t talk about it.  He lets it build until it overwhelms him; I have no idea where he gets it from.  The upcoming surgery finally got to him yesterday.  He was being very quiet at school to the point that his teacher could tell there was something wrong. She emailed Joyce to give us a heads-up.  He finally broke down with mom and told her that he didn’t want me to have surgery.  Later in the evening it was my turn to talk to him about it.  At first he tried to claim nothing was wrong, but he finally gave in and told me he was scared about the surgery.  I went through the whole “great father” routine and assured him I would be fine.  I told him that once I fully recovered I’d be able to play more and not have to lie down all the time because my head hurt.  I also told him I might be a bit grumpy when I got home from the hospital but not to worry.  He finally laughed when I asked him if he could imagine me of all people being grumpy.  I then gave him permission to be the first person that gets to call me “Zipper-Head”.  That made him feel much better.  I told him it had to be our secret until he finally got to see me after surgery and call me by my new nickname.  The secret didn’t last long; he couldn’t wait to tell mom what he was going to get to call me.

I can’t take any credit for the nickname.  Zipper-Head is a nickname that some Chiarians use after the decompression surgery because the scar on our neck and head looks like a zipper.   I will post a picture of my post decompression zipper for your amusement as soon as I can get Joyce to take a picture of it.

Two weeks to go!!!!!!!!!!!